Barack Obama Is Buying You Health Insurance!

Via Wonkette


It’s almost like this guy wants America to have some kind of good health-care system for everybody, even the AARP — the main voters/money-holders of the United States. “I understand how easy it is for this town to become retarded,” Obama just said. Oh and Obama is talking about that dickwad senator who wants to “break” Obama by defeating health care reform. You can’t break a muslin, dummy!

8:05 PM — Whoosh, so much health care already! We are still deciding on MSNBC vs. CNN.

8:07 PM — “One senator says this is about breaking me.”

8:09 PM — First question from … the AP? What is this, a new blog?

8:12 PM — He’s not “foreclosing” on the ideas from Congress. Somebody tell Santelli!

8:13 PM — It is kind of remarkable how little whining there’s been about the “let’s raise taxes three dollars a year on millionaires” idea, maybe because people are finally realizing they will never ever be millionaires, not even in their sad dreams?

8:15 PM — We read somewhere today that five million people have lost their health insurance so far in 2009. This kind of seems like a lot of people, until you remember six million people have lost their jobs … so maybe one million them didn’t have insurance to start with? Hey, whiners, only one in six newly unemployed didn’t have insurance just before they lost their jobs! Stop always looking on the bad side.

8:16 PM — Oh that was a Sam Stein thing, here.

8:17 PM — Which devil does the satanist Barack Obama love most? The devil he currently worships, of course! It is the devil he “doesn’t know,” sexually, that terrifies him.

8:18 PM — Mush mouth beardy joe Reuters lamer just did the GOP talking point, “why the rush?” Yeah, Obama, why do you want to fix something? Can’t you just, uhm, die?

8:19 PM — !!! Obama just said the “stars are aligned.” Wicca much, Barack?

8:22 PM — Will Chuck todd ask the stupidest question of the night?

8:22 PM — (People predicted this, earlier today.)

8:22 PM — No, Chuck, Obama’s health-care plan is still aimed at making coverage available to everybody. But when Superman gets drunk and is then hit by a bus — a bus full of kryptonite — then it will be revealed that he didn’t bother, because he was “indestructible.” (And then it turns out he has AIDS, too, ouch!)

8:24 PM — But, still, no single-payer system like the rich countries have. Sorry, but America is no longer a rich country.

8:25 PM — Now, here is a thing, speaking of people in the emergency room: EVERY REPORTER ALLOWED TO ASK OR WRITE ABOUT HEALTH CARE needs to spend several nights in a big city hospital emergency room, and then several nights in a distant exurb emergency room, and watch how EVERY NIGHT people with no insurance come in with their tragically sick little kids, suffering chronic health problems that would generally not exist if the kids could be taken to a pediatrician when the first get sick.

8:26 PM — Also these reporters would see so many losers who got in a fight, drunk, and are now missing a tooth or finger or limb or something. (Yeah Chuck Todd’s the worst.)

8:28 PM — Wow Jake Tapper is a super dick, isn’t he? What did Tapper read off there, Jim DeMint’s twitter?

8:29 PM — Blue pills and red pills? Jesus christ we KNEW there was something very weird about this obviously fake reality in Washington! We are all really just hooked up to tubes in an underground rat farm (”Hillarycare”).

8:30 PM — Now Barack is just reminding us of how much FUCKING MONEY we all lost last year, if we had any money. We would rather remember how cool it was to watch that inauguration in January … remember back when these Washington people were briefly left speechless?

8:34 PM — Barack Obama will remove all useless people in Washington — especially those who are, as Obama just said, “ginned up” — just like he made the F-22 disappear. Or something.

8:35 PM — Anybody notice how greasy the press people are looking tonight? Chip Reid looks like he just dunked his head in a deep fryer, and Chuck Todd also looked like a sweat ball. What is up, did Rahm turn off the air conditioning vents over the press seats? Because Barack looks like he’s standing outside on a crisp Fall day.

8:38 PM — Oh this gal had the smug, didn’t she? But, says Obama, the first health-care reform event was indeed on CSPAN and held in this room, other meetings are in the House and Senate, and the health-care execs meeting at the White House have all been photographed and seen by the reporters in this room.

8:39 PM — And she sure shut right the fuck up.

8:40 PM — So … let’s talk about something different!

8:41 PM — Well we have done 40 minutes of this without so much as a beer. That’s a health care problem we will now fix, without Nobama’s help.

8:45 PM — Public option. Why is this an issue, really? When every insurer turns you down for “being sick that one time,” then health care reform is not going to be reform unless there’s an alternative. Christ.

8:49 PM — It is nice to have a president who can speak in these mysterious “sentences” and can answer the actual questions, etc., but it sure makes for a long press conference!

8:50 PM — Speaking of health care, your editor’s little calendar reminder dealie just said it’s time to give Heartguard to the dogs.

8:51 PM — Hmm somebody’s laughing about something. “Shame on you,” Barack yells at somebody, and then that person ets to ask a question anyway? Greasy little sweat ball! Why does he read his GOP question off an old file folder? No money for a notebook?

8:52 PM — Oooo, a Skip Gates question from Lynne Sweet. Barack is his Friend. AND NOW BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO BREAK INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, AND GET SHOT!

8:53 PM — Man this just got weird and uncomfortable.

8:53 PM — Wow, what happens when THE PRESIDENT weighs in on some fuck-wit cop arresting a distinguished old professor man IN HIS HOUSE? (Oh right the fucktard cop lured Gates back onto his porch.) “The Cambridge police acted stupidly,” says Obama. That cop is going to be executed, and it’s about time.

8:55 PM — But why is Obama causing racism by mentioning that black and brown people are constantly fucked by the fucking cops in this fucked-up fuckhole of a country?

8:55 PM — “This still haunts us,” that’s why.

8:56 PM — Oh lord and now here comes the talk-teevee heads talking about how, by answering the question about Gates, that Obama “stepped on” his headline.

8:57 PM — Anyway, eh ….

8:57 PM — And we’re already tired of MSNBC. We’ll check CNN for two seconds, and then it’s time to make dinner.

8:58 PM — Whoa CNN is ON THE SCENE with the black people, who seemed to “respond” to Obama’s answer about the Henry Louis Gates arrest.

8:59 PM — It was all a set-up to promote CNN’s new hit sitcom, “Black In America!”

9:00 PM — CNN is done, and Rachel Maddow has a new suit! She is not wearing the black suit anymore. Maybe this is not new? We are sorry, we haven’t had to watch the teevee in a while.

Good-bye everybody! Thanks for playing “who wants to be a health-care statistic.”

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